"I HAD NO IDEA that my attraction to my type had something much unhealthier at the root".

I bounced between Knight Rider and Face from the A-Team, being my future MR husband! 

At age 5, I'd already started to become attracted to a particular type of male figure. Lovely to look at womanisers!

When Beverly Hills 90210 hit our screens, I was 12. And immediately developed a HUGE obsession with Luke Perry's character Dylan McKay. The handsome, emotionally unavailable bad boy. With some very toxic relationship traits.

Moving into my teens and the "type" that stuck with me until my 40s became locked in. If they were hot, I was in!

A guy's hotness and how attracted I was to them physically. It was the only lens I used to decide someone's date-ability. I find it frightening how few other markers I had. But it also explains a lot!

As long as they looked good. Gave me butterflies and fanny flutters; those were enough for me to be all in. The attraction piece is important, of course. But it can also be fucking misleading. Read more about how the spark misleads you here.

At the time, my type was just my type. When someone asked me, "What's your type?" I responded, "I like bad boys".

I HAD NO IDEA that my attraction to my type: the aloof and unavailable bad boy who came on hot and heavy and wanted everything on his terms, had something much unhealthier at the root.

That my "type" was the number 1 thing holding me back from the relationship I wanted.

Anyway, following the inner work, learning about my love and relationship patterns, and activating a new version of myself. My perspective on my "type" wholly changed.

I focused on what I wanted to feel with a partner. Who they were and what they would bring to a relationship way beyond the physical. 

I broke my "type" mould and opened up to receiving something different.

And 3 years ago, my Hotty Mc Totty partner manifested in my life.

And here's the reality: if I'd stayed unaware of my relationship autograph and stuck to my type. I could have mistaken the feelings of safety and peacefulness for lack of connection. Labelling my partner as not my "type" and pushing him away.

So I want this article to challenge you to challenge yourself to:

1. Relax the attachment to a type. 

2. Consider giving guys outside your type a chance. Don't label things as wrong when they feel different. Because how's your type worked out for you?

3. Become conscious of how your type could hold you back. 

4. Become clear on what REALLY matters in a relationship to you.

And to do that, we will explore the evolution of the relationship between Charlotte and Harry from my beloved Sex and The City. Let's you me and these ladies dive in.

 "Sex and the City" showcased a myriad of romantic relationships, but one of the most surprising (and educational) was the pairing of Charlotte York and Harry Goldenblatt.

If you know Charlotte's character, you will know that Harry was DEFINITELY not who she pictured herself with.

Charlotte was a prim and proper hopeless romantic looking for the perfect Prince Charming to sweep her off her feet and live happily ever after. 

Episode after episode, I watched her romanticise men, what relationships are and how they "should" be. She'd drunk the Disney love and relationship Kool-Aid, which isn't uncommon. But it's completely misleading.

And here's something I would love you to do. If you find yourself in a pattern of nitpicking every guy you date, then look deeper at the story you're telling yourself about how relationships "should" be.

Who's Kool-Aid have you drunk?!

Anyway, Charlotte manifested her perfect type, a man named Trey. A wealthy and charming New York doctor she met in a Disney fantasy meet-cute way. (of course)!

The two began dating. And eventually married (after Charlotte proposed to herself!) in an attempt to band-aid over their struggles in the relationship. (FYI, kids or marriage are NOT the solutions to problems in a relationship)

Charlotte, on paper, got her fairytale:

• The fancy Park Avenue apartment 

• Luxury lifestyle 

• A good-looking man with a highly respected job from "good stock"!

But things didn't work.

Looking at the relationship through my professional relationship coach lens, it's clear to me from the beginning that some essential foundational pieces of a healthy relationship were missing:  

• Lack of Honesty

• Clear and open communication 

• Compromise - there was no willingness to see experiences through the lens of the other.

• Trey didn't listen to or acknowledge Charlotte's needs and desires - it seemed to inconvenience him.

• Individuality - Charlotte lost herself in the relationship. She stopped being her fully expressed self and started to morph into who she thought she "should" be as a wife

• Supporting each other's goals 

• Making decisions together - if you watched, then you know. Trey was very controlled by his mum, so Charlotte adopted some of Bunny's manipulation techniques to try and get what she wanted. (there's a lot to unpack there but not today!)

• Physical and emotional intimacy - Their sexual desire didn't match, and Trey experienced impotence with Charlotte. But there are so many other ways to create intimacy aside from sex. Still, because of Trey's unwillingness to explore and talk about it eventually drew a full wedge between them.

"If I'd stayed unaware of my relationship autograph and stuck to my type. I could have mistaken the feelings of safety and peacefulness for lack of connection".

Healthy relationships with space for both of you to thrive don't happen by accident. They take willingness and intentionality from both parties to work on things together. And if foundational pieces are missing, they can be built IF both parties are willing to own their side of the street.

But in this relationship, that didn't happen, and they divorced.

Charlotte's dreams were shattered. 

Her fairytale about who she thought was the "perfect" man for her blew up in her face. And the truth is sometimes we have to go through painful things to get the redirection we need.

Charlotte had to get what she wanted and then have the rug ripped out from underneath for her to examine everything she believed about love and relationships. 

Because if that type of man and life wasn't "the one". Then what?

Before we explore further, let's look at the damaging relationship falsehoods and myths that Charlotte believed: 

• Happily ever after = landing a perfect man/ husband who completes you 

• Good looks and money = happily ever after - No, they do not!

• Everyone needs a man. 

• There's one perfect person. 

• To win love, You have to play the game (games don't work)

• You have to be perfect to be seen as marriage material.

• A relationship must follow a specific trajectory.

• You're either a madonna or a whore - no one wants to marry a whore. Ugh so outdated. Knowing and exploring your sexual self does make you a whore; it makes you a happy, healthy human.

• You have to sacrifice selfhood in a relationship. 

• Appearances are everything.

If any of those resonate with you. I challenge you to challenge the belief and look at its origin. None of those is genuine, and continuing to buy into myths and old paradigms as facts create roadblocks in your love life.

After the breakdown, Charlotte goes through what I call a love and relationship rebirth. And what I noticed on the screen was a shift in her energy. Which happens when the pressure of perfection is gone!

While going through her divorce, she meets Harry, her down-to-earth, balding divorce attorney who is more interested in hot dogs than fine art! He is the absolute opposite of her old vision of her perfect type.

And this was a struggle for her in the beginning. Charlotte was shocked and horrified by her attraction to Harry. But she didn't let her old stories and beliefs take control and close her down to this new experience.

Despite their initial differences, she realised how strong and natural their connection was.  She focused on how she felt around him. The version of herself that she could be. And how compatible they were with things that matter, such as loyalty, kindness, and a commitment to family.

And throughout the show, their relationship develops into one of the series's most stable, healthy and loving partnerships.

Their dynamic also highlighted the importance of being open-minded about love. 

While it's natural to want to stick to your type. And to have certain expectations and preferences regarding a romantic partner, it's important not to close yourself off to the possibility of finding love in unexpected places. 

And I encourage you to explore what could be at the root of being attracted to a particular type.

Because your type could be pointing to an unhealthy relationship pattern that needs healing if you want to experience the healthy, loving partnership you deserve.

Harry may not have fit the traditional "prince charming" mould. Still, he was what Charlotte needed in a partner - someone who loved her unconditionally and supported her through thick and thin.

What were the most significant mindset adjustments Charlotte made? 

• She abandoned all the rules and looking for perfection.

• Charlotte realised you have to take responsibility and complete herself.

• Opened up to the idea that the person who is right for you might not be who you think they are.

• Focused on the actions of someone, not their words

• Realised what really mattered to her

• Dropped shoulding all over herself!

When we limit ourselves to a narrow idea of what our ideal partner should be like, we might miss out on manifesting someone who could make us truly happy. The universe will always bring you what you desire, but it will only sometimes appear in the package you think.

 So if you have a type, I invite you to challenge it.

Catch you next time.

Sarah ❤️